Our first week home

We have been home for almost a full week now and are trying to settle in to some kind of routine. It still feels weird and new, like we have a little house guests that we just realized isn't going to leave. I am still in a significant amount of pain, so I don't feel like I have been able to establish any type of normalcy yet. I still can't go from sitting to standing with Rowan and walking is hard enough on my own with a cane so carrying him makes me nervous still. It presents some challenges when it comes to caring for him and puts a lot of the responsibility on Josh. Which is so hard for me, not because he is not capable and doing a fantastic job, but my self inflicted guilt makes me feel so bad he is having to work so hard to care for us both. I know it is only a season, and soon I will be up and around, it is just hard to watch some one you dearly love have to carry such a hard load and you can't help lighten it.

Emotionally I have been doing okay. I have a melt down about once a day, usually in the evening. I know it is normal to feel this way, and I think, given the situation, I am doing well, but I still have moments of panic, terror and fear. I am just trying hard to not let those take over, because I know this is time with Rowan I will never have again and I don't want it tainted with feelings that are so ugly.

I wanted to post a few pics of the day-to-day stuff. You can also get a good look at Rowan's cool haircut. When he was in the NICU they had to put in a few IVs and in babies it is easier to put them in their heads (for many reasons). Anyway, because of the choice of locations of the IVs, he looks like he has male patterned baldness and a mohawk. Hopefully it will grow back in, and until then we are just keeping him in a lot of hats. And no, my hair is not that greasy, I actually made it into a shower and have it pulled back wet. But boy do I look tired!