I haven't written in a long time. Months I think. Josh has taken over the postings for various reasons. Mostly I have been so busy that any free minute I have I do not want to spend on the computer. But also this new transition has been hard and I think I needed some time to process it. We have quite a following on this silly blog now so maybe I was afraid to write because I didn't know what might come out and I am not sure who's reading anymore. Maybe people will just see words and no new pictures and just pass it by. One can only hope.
Call it hormones, postpartum....whatever...this life change has been a big one. I wasn't one of those people to immediately fall in love with my baby. I know, even typing it is hard, because I can feel the judgment boring into me. Maybe it was the tough circumstances, maybe the month long hospital stay, or being separated for the first week, or the chronic pain that still shows up in the evenings, who knows, but it has taken me almost four months to say with confidence that I am in love with that little boy and each day gets better. I have really enjoyed getting to know him as his little personality has started to show up. His smile is the best.
Tonight I was able to hear the sweetest thing I have ever heard....it is right up there with, "will you marry me?" and "I do"...Rowan laughed for the first time. He has been making new sounds for the last few days and you could almost tell it was coming. I have no idea what struck him so funny on his changing table, but he cracked himself up and laughed and laughed. I tried for about 20 minutes to get him to do it again. Finally I let out a yawn and he laughed again, making me laugh, then him again. We went on like this for a few glorious moments, him just looking up at me and making the sweetest sound. He is always very pleased with himself when he has someones full attention and gets to entertain them. I know what people want me to say, they want me to say, "it was worth it", all the pain, hardship, difficulty. But I will not qualify his life that way. I will simply say it was a beautiful moment and has made me feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my time, energy and life. Maybe for the first time.
I promise to follow him around all day tomorrow with the camera trying to capture the sound. If we are lucky enough to get it, I will have Josh post it for you to hear.