Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The sweetest sound

I haven't written in a long time. Months I think. Josh has taken over the postings for various reasons. Mostly I have been so busy that any free minute I have I do not want to spend on the computer. But also this new transition has been hard and I think I needed some time to process it. We have quite a following on this silly blog now so maybe I was afraid to write because I didn't know what might come out and I am not sure who's reading anymore. Maybe people will just see words and no new pictures and just pass it by. One can only hope.

Call it hormones, postpartum....whatever...this life change has been a big one. I wasn't one of those people to immediately fall in love with my baby. I know, even typing it is hard, because I can feel the judgment boring into me. Maybe it was the tough circumstances, maybe the month long hospital stay, or being separated for the first week, or the chronic pain that still shows up in the evenings, who knows, but it has taken me almost four months to say with confidence that I am in love with that little boy and each day gets better. I have really enjoyed getting to know him as his little personality has started to show up. His smile is the best.

Tonight I was able to hear the sweetest thing I have ever heard....it is right up there with, "will you marry me?" and "I do"...Rowan laughed for the first time. He has been making new sounds for the last few days and you could almost tell it was coming. I have no idea what struck him so funny on his changing table, but he cracked himself up and laughed and laughed. I tried for about 20 minutes to get him to do it again. Finally I let out a yawn and he laughed again, making me laugh, then him again. We went on like this for a few glorious moments, him just looking up at me and making the sweetest sound. He is always very pleased with himself when he has someones full attention and gets to entertain them. I know what people want me to say, they want me to say, "it was worth it", all the pain, hardship, difficulty. But I will not qualify his life that way. I will simply say it was a beautiful moment and has made me feel like I am doing something worthwhile with my time, energy and life. Maybe for the first time.

I promise to follow him around all day tomorrow with the camera trying to capture the sound. If we are lucky enough to get it, I will have Josh post it for you to hear.


Kristen Gardner Photography said...

Oh, I can't wait to hear! I'm pretty funny, so maybe I should come over. :)

Brendan said...

what a great post Shey, i love the honesty. and i have to say that while i hadn't thought about it before, it strikes me as fair to have a time when the parents get to know the child, and vice versa, and that through that time affection could grow and bonds could be built...what an interesting thing to think about, and something i never would have w/out the post here, so thanks again for it.

and yeah, i'm with Kristen, you've gotta put that laugh on here. i never even thought about that question of when a baby/kid starts laughing, that should be right up there w/first word and first step!

Teri said...

My heart breaks (I know that sounds stupid, but it really feels like it does) when I think of the pain you suffered in having osteomylitis. I agree with you, Rowan is not the reward, nor does his life make it worthwhile. There is no reward is there? What prize would make having osteomylitis worthwhile, make it worth going through again, a new car, house, a million dollars, a child? It was awful, and it robbed you of most, if not all, of the sweet, precious experience of giving birth to your first child. Birthing a baby, even in the best of circumstances is overwhelming. Raging hormones make us feel crazy. You did it in pain, on drugs, hooked to a pic line and still….found a way to plow through and love that boy. You’re an amazing woman and mom. I’m not sure I would have faired so well (nor my boys). You don’t have to apologize for not being OK with what happened to you, or how you handled it, it sucked on so many levels. About motherhood…. Any mom, if she’s honest, would admit that there are times when she’s sure she has made a huge mistake in bringing a child into this world! : ) Goodness, mine will soon all be in their 20’s and I still find myself shaking my head and saying to myself that I can’t do this anymore. You would think by now I’d be used to it!! Thank goodness for those sweet smiles and those first giggles, and the words “I Love You Mom”. Loving our kids isn’t always natural, sometimes we have to work at it. There’s some mystery involved I think, a bond we can’t explain with words. I’m ok with not understanding it! : ) Somehow at the end of the day (most days), my heart leaps for joy because I have them in my life.