8 weeks

Still feeling sick, but trying to combat it with B6, eating pretty regularly and a lot of sleep. I pretty much have no life right now, I am just a gestational machine. I actually was in bed last night by 7:30. But don't worry, I didn't go to sleep until 8. Wild night, huh? But I actually felt the best today than I have in a long time, so I think there is something to this sleep thing. With Josh gone tonight I just might do it again. Thought I would post a picture of where we are at in the process. I am growing little fingers and toes this week!

after the holidays (Josh)

Well my little one, we told your grandparents and great-grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and your mom's and my aunts and uncles and our cousins about you over Thanksgiving...and they freaked. They are so excited for you to be here, I think they might be close to being as excited for you as we are. Although your mom has been feeling pretty sick lately, everyday there are these moments when I catch your mom's eyes, or rub her back while she's feeling sick, or simply hold her hand that ushers in a flood of hope, fear, and excitement, and I can't help but smile.

There are times when I wish you were here today, but I know that over these coming months I will have a lot to learn and a lot to prepare to begin to be ready for you. I just wanted to let you know that we are so excited for you. Your family is excited for you. And even the friends who we've let in on this little secret of ours are excited as well. It feels so special as we are preparing for the coming of another small child whose life flipped the world upside down in this time of advent, that we are also in another period of anxious awaiting for you.

what a day (Josh)

Today was one of the best days of my life. I'm sure there will come times when this will hit me in other ways, and there will be a sense of grief over the changes that will happen in my life, especially in my relationship with Shey...but today was a day when things became the most real thus far in preparing to have a child and add a new member to our family. Hearing the heartbeat of our child was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't help but smile, laugh, and become wide-eyed (which is saying something right Shey, my eyes don't open very wide!). I couldn't believe my eyes today, as I watched on the screen this mass of cells, beginning to take shape in my wonderful wife's womb...I was struck by the amazing intricacies of new life. More than that, I heard the heartbeat of our child. The strong steady beat, at 140 beats per minute.

Along with the joy in hearing the heartbeat we were relieved to see that things are moving along smoothly, with her/him being an appropriate size (1.10 cm from head to tail-like thing that will eventually become tailbone). I feel like as I drift off to sleep tonight, I can rest in a new way, having seen and heard of the joy to come.

I realize we must be careful in getting ahead of ourselves, but after the first ultrasound today, I honestly am thrilled, excited, and relieved for things to have gone smoothly thus far. I hope that Shey will start to feel better, she's been getting pretty sick these last couple of days...though a stronger morning sickness usually implies that the placenta and baby are developing well at this point (so maybe it is sort of good that she's not feeling so well).

I've added the ability to listen to the the heartbeat from the ultrasound today, you can check it out below, or if you'd like to download it, right-click here and "save as."

meet our blob of cells....

so the white blob inside the black circular blob is new baby Hayden. I know I am biased but I think he/she is beautiful. The ultra sound went well, the baby is on schedule and the right size. Everything looked fine at this point, which was nice to hear. Josh was able to record the heartbeat. 140 beats/minute. When we can figure out how to put it up as a sound clip we will. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving.

tomorrow (Josh)

tomorrow is a big day. up until the first ultra sound, Shey and I have been a bundle of conflicted emotions. on one hand, we are so excited and so thankful that Shey was able to get pregnant, and that we are entering into this amazing, tremendous, wonderful new phase of life, as we become a larger family. on the other hand, we have struggled to let ourselves really allow the excitement seep into our bones. we're scared. we're scared that something could happen, and the life that is already begun, could be gone, and we don't know how we'd react and process the loss.

so in a lot of ways, after tomorrow, i think that this will all feel more real, and we can begin to let go of a little more of our hearts that we are careful to guard right now.

but in even saying that, i'm so freakin excited, and there is no way to get around the fear of pain and doubt that we are facing, so i think we just have to let go. we know that we have a community of friends that will love us through any darkness we might walk into and not be able to find our way out, and that eventually we'll find our way.

i really believe and hope that tomorrow is another step of being able to let go...to let go of the fear of being too excited, or the fear of loss. here's to a new day, and to hope.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

So I need to back date this a bit, because I didn't get around to starting this until almost a month later. This might be kind of cheesy, but I don't journal (in the conventional way) and wanted a way to record this life changing event somehow. We also thought it might be fun for our friends and family (near and far) to be able to follow along with the progress and be a part of this.

So here it goes....

I had been feeling a kind of sick and run down and just had a sneaking suspicion. Granted I had been convinced on a few other instances that I was pregnant and had been wrong, but still went a head and bought a test, fulling expecting it to be negative. Josh was still at youth. It was three days before his 25th birthday. So nervously I peed on the stupid thing, peeing on my hand in the process. Waiting a few minutes I looked down to detect a strong vertical line (negative) with a very faint horizontal line (positive). I had bought the cheapest test on the shelf not wanting to waste money on this stupid hunch I thought I had, this I found out was not the time to be frugal. Anyway, after staring at it and trying to decipher it for 10 minutes. I called Josh and had the strangest conversation with him....going something like...."so I took a pregnancy test and it is really faint and I am not sure so could you just pick one up on your way home" (spoken in rapid succession without pausing for breath). Four pregnancy tests (bringing our total to 5) later I was finally convinced it might be true. I did have to splurge and get the digital one the last time. There is no arguing with the word "pregnant". So I called the doctors office and made my first appointment.

I went in on Thursday, Nov. 1, just to get set up with shots and will go back on Nov. 21 for the first ultra sound. I will be 7.5 weeks pregnant at that point and will pick up with that tomorrow. Maybe even having a picture of a gummy bear to share with you all.

Are those two pink lines?